side of Lake Tahoe, where you’ll get a slightly more refined experience. The other 49 states have widely differing requirements. Hawaii, for example, has no waiting period, but Wisconsinrequires six months. Some states will waive their requirement for out-of-towners and others will help by mailing you a marriage license application in advance. To find out what the local rules are, call the marriage license office for the city or county in which you plan to get married, or check out their Web site.
. . .” is the rule here. So if you follow the Italian rules you’re done. You don’t even have to register your marriage when you get back. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, as Italy’s marriage laws are among the more stringent in Europe. One final caveat: If you choose to get married abroad, be sure to bring home an extra copy of your official marriage license and put it somewhere safe. Ten years from now, when you need a new copy, a foreign marriage bureau may not be as accommodating as your local courthouse.
2. Hybrid Wedding-Elopements
Hybrid wedding-elopements are often the perfect choice for those who want to elope but can’t quite work up the nerve. Hybrids come in all shapes and sizes. They are generally characterized by a simple service and at least one great party to celebrate the nuptials. Of course the ceremony and the party don’t have to be on the same day. Waiting a few days, or even weeks, can give you a chance to relax and enjoy planning your wild party.
The Courthouse with Friends or Family Elopement:
This is an in-town true elopement with a twist – your family or friends are there as your witnesses. From the courthouse you can head straight to the airport, or back to the office. A more thoughtful option, however, is to take your witnesses to lunch or dinner afterward.
The Surprise Wedding: (I love this idea!)
Laugh all you want, but this option has it all: a dramatic burst of excitement as you make your entrance in a dreamy gown, a minimum of planning hassles, and you still get to share your special day with your family and friends. Some couples dive straight into this option; others choose it only when the pressure of planning their wedding has gotten to be too much.
The surprise wedding requires a pretense for a party. Birthday parties are a favorite excuse, but a party to celebrate your engagement is even better. That way no one will wonder about the odd guest list. Either way, someone makes excuses for your absence as the guests trickle in. “She’s still getting dressed,” if the party’s at your house, or, “She’s running late” if it’s somewhere else. (No one will question this at an engagement party, since all brides-to-be are chronically time-challenged.) Meanwhile, the minister is hiding in a spare bedroom, or chatting up the super in the basement of your apartment building. Finally, when everyone’s arrived, someone surreptitiously hits the play button, the Wedding March comes on, and you sweep into the room!
A delightful twist on the surprise wedding is to make it a double surprise wedding. A friend, your fiancé, or even your parents organize a “surprise” birthday party for you. Just imagine the fun as you turn the tables on your guests, arriving all decked out in white with a minister in tow! Plus there’s a nice personal benefit with the double surprise wedding: your spouse is much less likely to forget your wedding anniversary since it falls on your birthday.
Caution: do not attempt a surprise wedding without telling your parents beforehand if: (a) they never show up to any party you invite them to, (b) either of them has a heart condition, or (c) your mother has been pressing you for months to hold a big wedding and you see this as a quick way to win the argument.
The Progressive Elopement:
This option is so named because of its similarity to a progressive dinner party, a wonderful 1950s pastime that sadly has fallen out of favor in recent decades. Here’s how these work: you sneak off for the actual vows and then organize (or let others organize) a series of parties afterward. This is a particularly nifty idea if you and your fiancé are the product of nomadic households; for example, if both sets of parents have moved from where you grew up and you and your fiancé have migrated to a big city since college. With a progressive wedding you can have parties in five cities! (Both of your hometowns, both sets of parents’ new hometowns, plus wherever you live now.) The airlines won’t like this because you two are the only ones doing any traveling. But your guests will shower you with gratitude and presents because you’re saving them a fortune.
The Last-Minute “Escape” Elopement:
These are more common than you’d guess. Halfway through the wedding-planning nightmare you and your fiancé look at each other and ask the obvious question: “Why are we doing this?” At that point, of course, everyone already knows you’re getting married. You may even have booked a reception site, caterers, and a band. But fear not – it’s never too late. Off you go to a nice weekend in Vegas. You’ll come back rested, married, and ready to party. You keep the reception just like you’d planned, only now it’s a stress-free party.
What about the guests? No problem, especially if you’d planned a service and reception at one site. In that case you could just surprise them! Show up in white for the party, with a ring already on your finger. On the other hand, if you planned a church service first, you will need to drop a short note to your guests letting them know that the reception is on, but for them to skip the church. A postcard featuring your elopement destination would be particularly appropriate. It might say something like this:
Dear Friends,
Well, we just couldn’t wait! John and I got married last weekend in Las Vegas. But the party’s still on for December 12 and we hope you’ll join us for a celebration of our marriage.
Love, Cindy
P.S. Elvis lives! In fact, he married us – wait till you see the pictures!
Or the more formal approach:
DOCTOR AND MRS. ARCHIBOLD SMYTHE
ANNOUNCE WITH PLEASURE
THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER
MELISSA ANNE
TO
MR. JOSEPH FIELDING.
THE RECEPTION IN THEIR HONOR
WILL BE HELD AS SCHEDULED
ON THE 24TH OF FEBRUARY
AT THE MILBOURNE COUNTRY CLUB.
3. Intimate Weddings
Purists will argue that intimate weddings have no place in a book on elopement. That’s silly. Anything that saves you the headache and stress of a big wedding deserves consideration. Here’s a sampler of ideas to consider:
The At-Home Wedding:
This is a perfectly charming and acceptable alternative to the big wedding. It is usually a family-only affair, plus a dozen or so close friends, at most. Dinner afterward can be buffet-style or casual in the backyard. Be careful, however. Many big weddings begin life as small at-home weddings. Unless you keep a tight rein on the guest list it can easily spiral out of control.
The Country Wedding Weekend:
This is a lot easier, cheaper, and more rewarding than you might think. With a few phone calls to reserve a country inn, discuss the menu, and arrange for a justice of the peace, you’re done. Your guests arrive Friday in time for cocktails, followed by a casual nonrehearsal dinner. Saturday’s free for walks or a bit of antiquing. Then at 5 p.m. everyone gathers in the parlor or on the porch for the ceremony. Afterward you can sip champagne before wandering in for dinner. Sunday, after a nice, big country-style brunch, your guests head home. Relaxing, romantic, and indulgent – what more could you ask for?
The cost of a country wedding weekend may also surprise you, even at a four-star inn. For around $10,000 you can pick up the bill for everything, including rooms, for a 20-person wedding party. If your guests pay their own way you can do it for a lot less, just the cost of the two dinners and your ceremony. Either way it’s a bargain.
Here are some suggestions: avoid inns that are too small or don’t have full-time (and talented!) chefs. With so much riding on the quality of the inn, you’re far better off paying more for experience and quality. Since many inns open their dining room to the general public, make sure they have a private dining room to accommodate your party. Don’t hesitate to ask even the most elegant inn for a discount. Most will happily oblige if you’re booking all or most of their rooms.
The Dinner Party Wedding:
This is like the country wedding weekend without the country or weekend parts. Instead you invite 20 or 30 guests to your wedding. The ceremony can be at the same place as the dinner party, or at a nearby church (preferably a small one, appropriate to the size of your group). Afterward there’s a catered dinner at someone’s house (any house but yours will do) or a favorite restaurant (again, insist on a private dining room to make it special).
The Yacht Wedding:
When you charter a yacht for a 3- or 4-hour wedding cruise you combine the best aspects of the country wedding weekend with the dinner party wedding. You are hosting something elegant and different, yet your guests still get to sleep in their own beds. Organizing a yacht wedding is very easy, no more difficult than reserving a private room at a restaurant. The cost is roughly comparable, too, starting at $2,000 to $3,000 for a 30-person event. Most charter yacht services can provide a list of licensed officiants they work with.
4. Destination Weddings
Destination weddings are becoming enormously popular, and for good reason. They are the perfect solution for couples that want to avoid a traditional wedding but that still want to include family and friends in their special day. Technically, the country wedding weekend would fall into the destination wedding category. But destination weddings usually involve more than just a short drive from home, and the guest list may be larger than just the immediate family.
Destination weddings can be loads of fun. Guests get to combine your wedding with a vacation and they tend to really get into the spirit of the event. For the bride and groom this enthusiasm is a welcome change from the lethargy of some wedding guests. And if your guests pay their own way, the wedding won’t cost you much more than a nice vacation. (Your airfare doesn’t count, since that comes out of your honeymoon budget.)
The drawback to destination weddings? Your guests are exactly that: your guests. Some people travel better than others, a point worth considering as you make up your invitation list, but all of your guests will require some hand-holding. You should enlist the hotel’s staff to help you as often as you can. But ultimately, from sunburns to child care, your guests’ problems are your problems.
We have divided destination weddings into three categories, small, large, and cruise-ship weddings.
The Small Destination Wedding:
Small destination weddings usually combine a romantic locale and a guest list hovering between 20 and 25 people. Any fewer and you’ll feel like people are tagging along on your honeymoon; any more and you’ll wear yourself out with the logistics. A group this size is easy to organize (especially since some of them will be traveling as couples) and you’ll get a chance to spend quality time with all your guests.
The Large Destination Wedding:
Larger groups obviously require larger facilities and more coordination. It is also harder to predict the appetites, needs, or wishes of 50 to 100 people. For all of these reasons, resort hotels are an ideal choice for large destination weddings. The resort’s staff has done this 100 times before, and most resorts have a full-time social director who performs many of the services for which you’d have to pay a wedding consultant. The downside of large resort weddings is that you won’t have the facilities all to yourself. This may not seem like a big deal, but try to imagine sharing the hotel with a group of vacationing college students or screaming children, because it may happen.
The single most important piece of advice in planning a resort wedding is to get recent references. Every resort has a brochure that looks pretty. But what you see isn’t necessarily what you’ll get. Some rooms are better than others, staff comes and goes, and, in the tropics, storms take their toll. Talking to someone who had her wedding there recently will give you a good feel for whether the hotel can live up to your expectations.
You should try to visit the resort before you make your final decision (if at all possible). A quick $1,000, three-day trip may seem extravagant, but not when you consider what’s at stake. Your guests are about to spend $50,000 at the resort. How would you feel if you showed up to find the hotel was undergoing major renovations?
With regard to costs, you might be surprised to learn that resort weddings are usually a good deal. The prices of overseas resorts can be competitive with most American hotels. Be sure to work out every last possible charge ahead of time, however. Once there, you and your guests are prisoners of the hotel. The room rates are an obvious cost you’ll want to confirm in writing. But other expenses, like overpriced drinks or 22 percent across-the-board service charges can quickly leave your guests feeling resentful – of both the hotel and you!
You can avoid this problem by negotiating perks in advance for your guests. Taxes are usually non-negotiable, but everything else is fair game, so ask for: reduced service charges on room rentals (the 18 percent to 22 percent charge on dining room service or room service charges are probably not negotiable, however); reduced rate for excursions and water-sports rentals; and happy-hour bar prices around the clock for your guests. None of this will cost you anything and your guests will love you for it. And don’t forget yourself! Most hotels will give the bridal couple a free room if they bring along a large group.
Obviously, your bargaining position won’t be too strong if you’re looking at a Christmas wedding in the tropics. But most resorts do have lull periods even in winter. They’ll be much more willing to negotiate for bookings then. A final note concerning airfares: your travel agent can work out a group discount for more popular resort areas, but you – and especially your guests – will need to plan as far in advance as possible.
The Cruise-Ship Wedding:
On late-night TV stations across the country, The Love Boat sails forever. Maybe that’s why shipboard weddings have become so popular in recent years. Almost all of the major cruise lines have special wedding coordinators and the newest cruise ships even come equipped with special wedding chapels.
Technically speaking, shipboard weddings are just large destination weddings, only the destination is moving. Not too fast, thankfully, and on the newer, giant cruise ships seasickness is almost unheard of. The size of these ships is a mixed blessing, though. Not only do you have to share the ship with 1,500 strangers, but you may also be sharing the ship with a dozen other bridal parties.
The popularity of cruise-ship weddings is simple to explain: (1) their experienced full-time wedding coordinators make it easy, (2) it’s different, and (3) you know what you’re getting. This last point is particularly attractive. The service, accommodations, and food on board cruise ships are on par with better resorts or hotels. So if you can get over the “other people” thing (and remember, you wouldn’t have a hotel or resort all to yourself, either), then a shipboard wedding may make perfect sense. There is one major drawback, however. Cruise lines, the good ones anyway, book early and they aren’t cheap. They also won’t negotiate with you the way a smaller resort might. (For more information see part 2, “Where to Elope.”)
5. Theme Weddings and Other Offbeat Ideas
The range of options here is broad, from a wedding in costume to an undersea scuba wedding where vows are exchanged on an erasable board (though presumably the commitment is no less binding). Theme weddings are easy to visualize, but for some of the other ideas presented below you would be wise to talk with someone who’s hosted a similar wedding. Before you embark on a white-water rafting wedding adventure, for example, you’ll want to be sure you know what you and your guests are in for.
The Theme Wedding:
Theme weddings are a close relative of the destination wedding, and an equally popular trend these days. In fact, the line is sometimes blurred between the two. A masked ball wedding in Venice
would qualify as both a theme wedding and a destination wedding. So, too, would a Cinderella wedding at Disney World. And if your guests are asked to wear blue suede shoes to the Vegas Chapel of Love, then you’re also doing a themed destination wedding.
Typically the decorations and menu are themed, and guests are asked to come in costume. It may sound silly but it works. Guests treat a theme wedding as more of a party, not another solemn wedding and predictable reception. The hosts usually find it easier to relax, too, and the day will stand out in everyone’s memories.
Some other themes to consider: Western-style, Halloween, beach party, New Year’s Eve, or Roaring Twenties with beaded dresses and slicked back hair. Perhaps enough time has even passed to do a ‘60s wedding. Imagine a bride gliding toward the altar in a tie-dyed wedding gown, with Jerry Garcia’s vocals setting the mood.
The Offbeat Wedding:
This is a final catch-all category for the truly adventurous. The rule here? Anything goes! Want to get married underwater on a tropical reef? No problem. Aloft in a hot-air balloon? Sure – unless your minister has acrophobia. You can also get married on a white-water rafting expedition, on horseback in Colorado, host a ski wedding, or take your vows in a chapel at YosemiteNational Park. In Las Vegas
you can even get married in a drive-through wedding chapel. About the only thing that hasn’t been done yet is an on-line wedding, and that’s probably just a matter of time.
The common denominator with all of these options is that they express the lifestyle and passions of the couple. What a nice and romantic idea! And as unorthodox (and downright wacky) as some of these options might appear, they are all more fun than a traditional wedding. Your guests won’t be bored, and your wedding album won’t be filled with the usual photos.
